I suck

Today I quit school. I am not happy with myself right now.

I only quit till September. Summer courses are really tough. I can probably take them next summer after I get used to regular classes again.

On a lighter note, I am going to BC with Kira in a month. I need to get out of here. This whole thing with Craig has me really crazy and sad and I just don't know how to deal with it. I think I might look for a job in Vancouver and see if I should just stay there.

Sometimes I totally know what i want to do with myself. The other 90% of the time I'm lost. I guess I'll just see what happens.

Why am I here?

That is the question that has been plaguing my very existence all week. When it comes to school that is. I've been out so long and I'm fairly rusty. I was hoping for amazing marks. Now I'm just hoping for a pass.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. On the plus side I've cut down on the amount of shifts I have at work. I need the money, but I need my sanity more.

Anyhow, this was really just a brief update to let people know I'm still alive.

Tomorrow is the day my life will change...

And hopefully for the better. First day of school. First day of school in four years.

Fuck am I scared....

But I'm ready. I KNOW that I'll be amazing. Because I know I'm really smart and I deserve this. I deserve to make a better life for myself.

That said tomorrow is a four hour anatomy lecture. That's going to suck. I guess that's what happens though, when you decide to do summer session. This course would normally be 3 hours a week over the course of four months. I've chosen to do it over the course of three and a half weeks. Two hours a day...plus a two hour lab every second day. On top of that, I work full time. Go me...

Oh yeah, and I decided I didn't want to have black hair anymore so I went blonde. Took eight hours in my hairdressers, but we succeeded. And it looks pretty cute, cause i got it cut at the same time.

Well, I'm off to bed... Everyone wish me luck for tomorrow.

Confused and Elated

So Nick and I have been out three times...and no kiss. No anything actually. And I am really frustrated. And excited. And everything in between.

I didn't really want the night to end. But we'd both been up since really early. Now I'm too excited to sleep.

I'm pretty sure he likes me too. And I totally put myself out there. On more than one occasion. But he didn't take the bait. So then I get confused. And I hope he thinks it's cute, because if he doesn't then I'll feel dumb and I HATE feeling dumb.

I don't want to rush it, because I have a feeling this could potentialy be something amazing. As much as I hate to admit it, could be greater than anything I could have imagined. Maybe that's why he always made me so nervous, and still does. Like school girl nervous. It's completly weird. I was never like that when I was a school girl.

I'm kinda hoping when he calls tomorrow, because he calls everyday, that he's in the city with nothing to do before I go to work. Because I really want to see him tomorrow, and the next day, and maybe the day after that.

Craig actually called me tonight. And I didn't pick up the phone. Nor did I answer his text messages. I just don't think I have it in me to live the "military life". With him gone all the time. And the possibility of having to move for his job. As much as I love him... I need him to be here, and he's not prepared to do that. And he shouldn't have to give up his dreams for me. I don't expect him to. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Can I end the suffering?

So even though Craig and I are not together at the moment, we still talk everyday. Or at least we were. He left yesterday. Joined the Canadian Forces. I knew it was coming. He joined this past December. We thought he was leaving May 7th or so and then this past wednesday (April 25?) he gets told that he leaves Saturday (April 28th). The same day our baby was due. As if I don't feel bad enough.

Now I sit around all the time and wonder when the next time I'll get to talk to him is. I don't want to do that. I think about him ALL THE TIME. I feel pretty certain too that he's being kept so busy that he isn't thinking about me much. I don't really want him to think about me. I kinda feel like I'm getting myself ready to stop talking to him completely. I just need to muster up the strength to ignore his text messages.

Kira sat with me last night while I got drunk and cried. And I told her I thought that i should stop talking to him. She pointed out that even if I didn't talk to him over the next month and a half, when he comes home for that week he's going to call me. Whether I want him to or not. I am so greatful for her being here right now, I'm sure she has no idea.

I don't want to hurt him, but in the process of avoiding hurting him, I'm killing myself, slowly and almost deliberatly. I guess I like the pain or something, it kind of reminds me that I'm still alive.

I went out on a date with my previously mentioned former co-worker Nick. And I really like him. But I don't know where it should go or where I WANT it to go. I can imagine possibly loving him. But I can't imagine not loving Craig. What happens if I end up in love with both of them? What happens if Craig comes back and says to me that he wants me back. What if I want to go back?

As the days go by it seems like there's just more and more questions...and never any answers. I feel like I need someone to to tell me what I should do. More specifically I think I want to hear from Craig what I should do, because for the past 3 years, he's been my best friend and he always had the best answers for me. And I had the best answers for him. I told him to apply to the forces...to do something that would make him happy. And I am happy for him...even if I have trouble showing it.

I think above anything else the only thing I really want right now is to stop being confused.

My life in the last 6 months

Well, I went to Europe in September, and I probably would have stayed there had Craig not knocked me up right before we left. So I went for a few weeks. Then I went to Vancouver and visited my grandparents and my best friend from childhood, Mitzi. The week after I got back, I had an abortion.

Most tramatic experience ever. I'm never doing it again.

Craig and I did end up getting back together. Breifly. I moved back in with him in December and stayed there till March, when we had a big fight and I went to work. Then I stayed at my sisters place that Saturday night. Woke up Sunday and went to work. While I was at work Craig, along with Kira and my supposed best friend Alyson packed up my shit and drove it to my sisters. I thought we were having a fight, turns out he didn't see it that way.

On the following Friday I went to my usual hangout and was told by my other friend Maggie, that Alyson (the dirty little whore that she is) was making out with Craig. A whole 24 hours before we broke up. But it's ok, they were drunk. Or at least that's the excuse they were using.

I cried for 2 straight weeks. Work gave me some time off. One of my co-workers sat in the emergency room with me on her day off while I waited to talk to someone. I hadn't slept in a while and kept popping sleeping pills to try to sleep but they would only knock me out for an hour tops. So I took the whole bottle. You're probably thinking I'm crazy right now. I was pretty close. I'm better now.

I work at Perkins now. I'm a manager there. Best job I've ever had. Started there on January 20th, 2007.

In what started out as a stupid attempt to make Craig think I was still the one for him, I decided to go back to school. I start May 7th in the faculty of science at the University of Manitoba. It's no longer an attempt to get him back. It's more of an attempt to show myself just how fabulous I am. I'm so smart, it amazes me just how stupid some of the choices I've made really are. I'm thinking I'll finish my science degree and apply for medical school. I know I could get in.

I've been talking to this guy from my old job at CAA, Nick. I've had a bit of a crush on him for about as long as I've known him... 2 years or so. He seems like a really nice guy and even though I'm still bitter and a little aprehensive about the whole love thing I think I just might give him a try. We've had some pretty good conversations over MSN in the last couple days (he's in Holland visiting family till this wednesday), and he always sends me cute text messages saying "happy (insert day of week here)" first thing in the mornings. They wake me up, but I don't care cause I read them and they make me laugh. It'd be really cool because next year I could maybe go with him to Holland. Hell while we're at it, maybe we'll take a train to Italy.

I'm not totally over Craig, just when I think I'm ok, and everyone else thinks I'm ok, I cry again. He's leaving for the summer in exactly 2 weeks, joined the military. He always wanted to do it. So good for him, maybe he'll actually come back as a grown up.

He walked up to me in the bar the other day, drunk, and said "I'm not worried about you dating someone else, cause you probably will, but I'll come back in september and tell you I want you back and you'll drop the other guy". That's just a little bit forward. And I kind of hope he's wrong. Especially if I'm really happy.

It's been a rough couple months. It looks like it's getting better. I hope it stays that way.

Been a long time...

This picture of my babies was taken by me at Lake Winnipeg in August. It's one of my favorites.

I pretty much stopped blogging because my loser ex-husband was reading shit on here and then using it against me. Now I couldn't give 2 shits less what he has to say...or really, what anyone has to say. Don't judge anything unless you know the person or the situation.

I thought I'd just give this blogging thing a try again. Don't have much time right now cause I work first thing in the morning so I'm going to bed shortly. I guess I was just posting that I'm not dead.

I'll post about Europe and put in a bunch of pictures in the next couple of days.