Radical Dreamer

I suck

2007-05-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today I quit school. I am not happy with myself right now.

I only quit till September. Summer courses are really tough. I can probably take them next summer after I get used to regular classes again.

On a lighter note, I am going to BC with Kira in a month. I need to get out of here. This whole thing with Craig has me really crazy and sad and I just don't know how to deal with it. I think I might look for a job in Vancouver and see if I should just stay there.

Sometimes I totally know what i want to do with myself. The other 90% of the time I'm lost. I guess I'll just see what happens.

Why am I here?

2007-05-10T22:30:00.002-07:00

That is the question that has been plaguing my very existence all week. When it comes to school that is. I've been out so long and I'm fairly rusty. I was hoping for amazing marks. Now I'm just hoping for a pass.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. On the plus side I've cut down on the amount of shifts I have at work. I need the money, but I need my sanity more.

Anyhow, this was really just a brief update to let people know I'm still alive.

Tomorrow is the day my life will change...

2007-05-06T21:44:00.000-07:00

And hopefully for the better. First day of school. First day of school in four years.

Fuck am I scared....

But I'm ready. I KNOW that I'll be amazing. Because I know I'm really smart and I deserve this. I deserve to make a better life for myself.

That said tomorrow is a four hour anatomy lecture. That's going to suck. I guess that's what happens though, when you decide to do summer session. This course would normally be 3 hours a week over the course of four months. I've chosen to do it over the course of three and a half weeks. Two hours a day...plus a two hour lab every second day. On top of that, I work full time. Go me...

Oh yeah, and I decided I didn't want to have black hair anymore so I went blonde. Took eight hours in my hairdressers, but we succeeded. And it looks pretty cute, cause i got it cut at the same time.

Well, I'm off to bed... Everyone wish me luck for tomorrow.

Confused and Elated

2007-05-02T23:10:00.000-07:00

So Nick and I have been out three times...and no kiss. No anything actually. And I am really frustrated. And excited. And everything in between.

I didn't really want the night to end. But we'd both been up since really early. Now I'm too excited to sleep.

I'm pretty sure he likes me too. And I totally put myself out there. On more than one occasion. But he didn't take the bait. So then I get confused. And I hope he thinks it's cute, because if he doesn't then I'll feel dumb and I HATE feeling dumb.

I don't want to rush it, because I have a feeling this could potentialy be something amazing. As much as I hate to admit it, could be greater than anything I could have imagined. Maybe that's why he always made me so nervous, and still does. Like school girl nervous. It's completly weird. I was never like that when I was a school girl.

I'm kinda hoping when he calls tomorrow, because he calls everyday, that he's in the city with nothing to do before I go to work. Because I really want to see him tomorrow, and the next day, and maybe the day after that.

Craig actually called me tonight. And I didn't pick up the phone. Nor did I answer his text messages. I just don't think I have it in me to live the "military life". With him gone all the time. And the possibility of having to move for his job. As much as I love him... I need him to be here, and he's not prepared to do that. And he shouldn't have to give up his dreams for me. I don't expect him to. I guess we'll have to see what happens.

Can I end the suffering?

2007-04-29T23:24:00.000-07:00

So even though Craig and I are not together at the moment, we still talk everyday. Or at least we were. He left yesterday. Joined the Canadian Forces. I knew it was coming. He joined this past December. We thought he was leaving May 7th or so and then this past wednesday (April 25?) he gets told that he leaves Saturday (April 28th). The same day our baby was due. As if I don't feel bad enough.

Now I sit around all the time and wonder when the next time I'll get to talk to him is. I don't want to do that. I think about him ALL THE TIME. I feel pretty certain too that he's being kept so busy that he isn't thinking about me much. I don't really want him to think about me. I kinda feel like I'm getting myself ready to stop talking to him completely. I just need to muster up the strength to ignore his text messages.

Kira sat with me last night while I got drunk and cried. And I told her I thought that i should stop talking to him. She pointed out that even if I didn't talk to him over the next month and a half, when he comes home for that week he's going to call me. Whether I want him to or not. I am so greatful for her being here right now, I'm sure she has no idea.

I don't want to hurt him, but in the process of avoiding hurting him, I'm killing myself, slowly and almost deliberatly. I guess I like the pain or something, it kind of reminds me that I'm still alive.

I went out on a date with my previously mentioned former co-worker Nick. And I really like him. But I don't know where it should go or where I WANT it to go. I can imagine possibly loving him. But I can't imagine not loving Craig. What happens if I end up in love with both of them? What happens if Craig comes back and says to me that he wants me back. What if I want to go back?

As the days go by it seems like there's just more and more questions...and never any answers. I feel like I need someone to to tell me what I should do. More specifically I think I want to hear from Craig what I should do, because for the past 3 years, he's been my best friend and he always had the best answers for me. And I had the best answers for him. I told him to apply to the forces...to do something that would make him happy. And I am happy for him...even if I have trouble showing it.

I think above anything else the only thing I really want right now is to stop being confused.

My life in the last 6 months

2007-04-23T00:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to Europe in September, and I probably would have stayed there had Craig not knocked me up right before we left. So I went for a few weeks. Then I went to Vancouver and visited my grandparents and my best friend from childhood, Mitzi. The week after I got back, I had an abortion.

Most tramatic experience ever. I'm never doing it again.

Craig and I did end up getting back together. Breifly. I moved back in with him in December and stayed there till March, when we had a big fight and I went to work. Then I stayed at my sisters place that Saturday night. Woke up Sunday and went to work. While I was at work Craig, along with Kira and my supposed best friend Alyson packed up my shit and drove it to my sisters. I thought we were having a fight, turns out he didn't see it that way.

On the following Friday I went to my usual hangout and was told by my other friend Maggie, that Alyson (the dirty little whore that she is) was making out with Craig. A whole 24 hours before we broke up. But it's ok, they were drunk. Or at least that's the excuse they were using.

I cried for 2 straight weeks. Work gave me some time off. One of my co-workers sat in the emergency room with me on her day off while I waited to talk to someone. I hadn't slept in a while and kept popping sleeping pills to try to sleep but they would only knock me out for an hour tops. So I took the whole bottle. You're probably thinking I'm crazy right now. I was pretty close. I'm better now.

I work at Perkins now. I'm a manager there. Best job I've ever had. Started there on January 20th, 2007.

In what started out as a stupid attempt to make Craig think I was still the one for him, I decided to go back to school. I start May 7th in the faculty of science at the University of Manitoba. It's no longer an attempt to get him back. It's more of an attempt to show myself just how fabulous I am. I'm so smart, it amazes me just how stupid some of the choices I've made really are. I'm thinking I'll finish my science degree and apply for medical school. I know I could get in.

I've been talking to this guy from my old job at CAA, Nick. I've had a bit of a crush on him for about as long as I've known him... 2 years or so. He seems like a really nice guy and even though I'm still bitter and a little aprehensive about the whole love thing I think I just might give him a try. We've had some pretty good conversations over MSN in the last couple days (he's in Holland visiting family till this wednesday), and he always sends me cute text messages saying "happy (insert day of week here)" first thing in the mornings. They wake me up, but I don't care cause I read them and they make me laugh. It'd be really cool because next year I could maybe go with him to Holland. Hell while we're at it, maybe we'll take a train to Italy.

I'm not totally over Craig, just when I think I'm ok, and everyone else thinks I'm ok, I cry again. He's leaving for the summer in exactly 2 weeks, joined the military. He always wanted to do it. So good for him, maybe he'll actually come back as a grown up.

He walked up to me in the bar the other day, drunk, and said "I'm not worried about you dating someone else, cause you probably will, but I'll come back in september and tell you I want you back and you'll drop the other guy". That's just a little bit forward. And I kind of hope he's wrong. Especially if I'm really happy.

It's been a rough couple months. It looks like it's getting better. I hope it stays that way.

Been a long time...

2007-01-19T21:18:00.000-08:00

This picture of my babies was taken by me at Lake Winnipeg in August. It's one of my favorites.

I pretty much stopped blogging because my loser ex-husband was reading shit on here and then using it against me. Now I couldn't give 2 shits less what he has to say...or really, what anyone has to say. Don't judge anything unless you know the person or the situation.

I thought I'd just give this blogging thing a try again. Don't have much time right now cause I work first thing in the morning so I'm going to bed shortly. I guess I was just posting that I'm not dead.

I'll post about Europe and put in a bunch of pictures in the next couple of days.

WTF?

2006-08-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought I'd have the time to post twice in one week nevermind two days in a row? Not me.

I've had a horrible day...it was one of those days where you wish you hadn't bothered getting out of bed. It started with getting up 45 minutes later than intended and coming upstair to my father asking when I get paid next. When I asked him why he responded with "the water bill has gone up 35 bucks since you moved in". Turns out it's gone up 35 bucks over the course of three months, which works out to about 11.50 per month. I said "you have to be kidding me. I give you 200 bucks a month and I hardly eat here. Did you expect that I wouldn't shower or do laundry?" He never responded but I have a feeling I'll be hearing more about it later.

I went to work where I had to steam dresses all day...which I don't mind. Mary Ellen (my boss) is fan-fucking-tastic. I love working with her. She's funny and puts herself right out there...kinda reminds me of myself. I hope I'm like her when I get older. It's like no matter what bad things have happened in her life, she just picks herself up and keeps on trucking.

Then I got the call at 3 pm. I've been waiting for the call to go help my sister with her labour and delivery. The call that actually came in was to tell me that I have a new niece and her name is Madison. Not only did they fail to call me so I could get down to the hospital, they stole the name I may have used if I ever had more kids.
Mary Ellen took me out side for one of her closet case cigarettes because she doesn't smoke, and I'm trying to quit...again. Today it appears the patch was not working. Maybe tomorrow I will have to put it on my forehead.

Craig did a very good job trying to lift my spirits...I know I can be hard to deal with when I get in my moods. Especially when all I can think about is smokes and getting intoxicated. Speaking of which, I may be going out to get drunk tomorrow (ummm since it's 1 am on Aug 10 than means technically tonight). We'll have to wait and see.

Anyhow, I guess thats all I needed to vent about. Probably won't hear much from me for a couple weeks now. Unless I have an equally shitty day in the near future.

Feels so far away...

2006-08-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm down to 37 sleeps. Seems like it's so close, but that it's so far at the same time. 37 isn't a whole lot...in fact I think I'd better double check.

Yup it's 37 sleeps....oh fuck.

I've decided I have pretty much everything I need except money. That seems to be disappearing faster than it's coming in...and I'm still in Canada. I have 2 jobs right now, start another one this week and I have an interview on Thursday for a fourth. Go me. Fuck I want to get drunk right now, like you have no idea.

I've decided as a way to save money I'm going to doing whats called couch surfing. Basically thats where people take you into their homes FOR FREE, and they let you crash on their couch (or spare bed if they have one). Some of them even show you around and/or cook for you. I figured it's not only a good way to save some money, but it's a great way to meet new and exciting people and actually learn something about their heritage. Should be good times.

I've been getting such mixed messages about finding work out there that I'm starting to feel like I'm going there to die. I have this Matt guy on my MSN that said "naaa. you just need to find some good people. My house is always open" Awwww, thanks :) He live is Stuttgart, Germany right now but he's an American. So at least he has an idea how it can be over there. Thank God someone has an idea.

Wow...What a ride...

2006-07-20T23:17:00.000-07:00

This has been one crazy fucking 2 weeks.

On July 5th I got my back pack. My passport came on July 13th, 5 whole days early. Guess thats what happens when you get it during non-peak season. So Friday July 14th I got paid...I paid my ex his $250 for child support and dropped $1110 off at home for mine and Craigs one-way tickets to London. My dad was putting them on his credit card for me. That's what I did on my lunch break. I got back to work at 3 pm. My boss says he has to talk to me about something. That is NEVER good. I'm pretty sure I know whats coming.

Apparently they are doing some re-arranging with the things they've been doing there and have decided that I'm not needed. Thats just fucking great. Out of a job EXACTLY 8 weeks before I get on a plane to London. Way to fucking go. And I have 50 bucks to my name after paying for those things.

I took the weekend off...It's my weekend anyways.

Monday I start pounding the pavement. I start at 8 am. Thats fucking Early...I got up at 6. I dropped off about 10 resumes. On my very last one, I guess it was around 10:45, I spot a store in the Forks with a sign for wanted help and I go in and both the manager and owner were there. They looked at my resume gave me a brief interview and then called a couple references. I came back and she was like "the job is yours if you want it". I took it, obviously. Close to the same pay, various hours, opportunity for overtime. It was exactly what I was looking for. Lucky me....I think 3 hours to find a new job is some kind of record for me. Thats why I don't worry about finding work over in Europe, and then when I come back to Canada. I fucking rock.

I still need a second job if anyone knows where I could get one...any help is appreciated.

Well, time for some sleep. Working in a bridal salon is a lot harder than it looked. I'm exhausted.

2 Steps down, 2 million more to go...

2006-07-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I went to the passport office on Tuesday during my lunch. Got approved for my passport right away and that should be here by July 18th apparently. I went to S.I.R. Yesterday and got my backpack. I'm not sure I'm liking it yet. If I don't like it by payday I'm taking it back and getting the one I've had my eyes on for the last month that was like $85 bucks more. 2 things done, 2 million more to go.

I have to start going through my stuff this weekend and deciding what to sell off. My sis is taking my computer cause she's going to need one...her stupid husband asked for a divorce. Don't even get me started on the reasons I hate that fucker. My other sis wants my clothes...fine with me since I lost all this weight and nothing I own fits anymore. I'll buy some the week before I leave. I have no idea what to expect over there price wise.

I am so excited about going. It's something I've needed to do for a long time. At the same token, I'm petrified. I've talked to people that have done it, and all of them said I'm going to be ok and I'm going to love it. I'm scared of heights and airplanes too. Come to think of it I'm scared of a lot.

I have no idea how to even begin going through this stuff I have here. I'm getting rid of everything. All my clothes because when I come back it's all going to be too big and way out of date. My computer for the same reason. My sewing machine because when I come back I want to get a way better one. Dresser, some lamps, various kitchen supplies, computer games. I want to keep my bedding, since it's my dream bedding and Craig bought it for me. I have a couple really nice pictures I want to hold on to as well. I have a box of old movies on VHS that I should just throw out, VCR's are almost obsolete. 2 boxes of books I have to hold on to. Books are never out of style. The kids toys are staying, and their clothes are going to their dads so they can get some wear out of them.

Speaking of the kids, I think I'm going to call their dad tomorrow and see if I can have them on Saturday/Sunday. I think it'll be 2 weeks since I saw them by then.

My sis just called to ask if I still want to do her hair, so I'm going. I'll post again in a few days.

The rollercoaster ride continues...

2006-07-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to have some faith. A certain someone told me I need to have faith. Faith that he's going to actually do what he said he would. Problem is, he's said he'd do certain things before, and then never followed through. Why would now be any different?

I trust him, even after everything that has happened. I'm a realist, and realistically speaking, I don't think anyone is fully capable of conforming to societies ideals. Like cheating for example, I have a psychiatrist that once told me that, quote "9 out of 10 people cheat and the one that isn't doing it is thinking about it". How's that for a statistic? Society says we need to be monogamous, and considering all the diseases out there we should be, but I don't think that most people, ESPECIALLY 20 year old men, are capable of such a standard. I never expected him to be. I just didn't appreciate the lying.

Which is why I'm sitting here and he's telling me to have faith, it's starting to translate into "keep dreaming, it isn't going to happen" and then he gets pissed off when I decide to try and have a life while I'm still in Canada. He said "I don't know why you'd go out with that guy if you're leaving in 2 months". Ummm right, and how about you look in the mirror before you say that to me? Everyone I meet and their uncle knows I'm leaving, if they want to be involved at least it isn't a huge secret. I'm getting on that plane in September whether he comes with me or not.

Anyways, I want him to come, I really really do. The fact that I still love him and the dreamer is telling me that everything will work out helps with that. Then the realist pipes up with "it isn't likely, better plan as if you're going by yourself". I guess I'm just using this blog to vent because I'm frustrated by his lack of ability to make decisions.

It's funny, he always wanted me to help him make decisions, especially important ones, and now he can't have me doing that because this time it involves choosing between people, and I'm one of them. I don't want to sit there telling him to pick me because then I'd be like all his friends and family sitting there telling him what he should or shouldn't do, or who he should or shouldn't go out with. I've always been there to back him up and be supportive. I helped him come to his own decisions, but never actually made them for him. I feel like he's totally capable of making his own responsible choices, but he thinks he can't and he always second guesses himself. He needs to have a little faith in himself is what I think the problem is.

Oh well, I'm going out to Lockport to visit my friend Shane tonight. I don't want to think about all this stuff right now. I'm too fucking tired.

Things that make you think...

2006-06-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

About life. Like funerals. I went to one yesterday. My great uncle Ben died in a combine accident last Wednesday. He was amazing, always had a smile for everyone and loved farm work. His and my aunt Martha's 51st wedding anniversary was on Tuesday last week. How's that for depressing?

The entire time I was sitting there I was thinking about Craig. I always thought we were going to grow old together. I have had dreams of us sitting on our porch swing holding hands in our 80's. I don't know if he ever understood just how deeply I love him.

On a lighter note, my plans for Europe are well underway. Oh I guess I forgot to even mention that I was going there. I'm flying to London on a one way ticket and working while I'm out there. I'm not sure where I want to settle for a while but I'm thinking Germany. Maybe even Italy. Someone I know wants to come with me and they very well may do it, but I'm skeptical. I'm getting my flight booked this weekend. If they decide to come with me they need to book the same flight as me or they're on their own.

It's all going smoothly except for one thing. My ex is being a total fucking moron and feeding the kids shit about me abandoning them. Which I am NOT doing. I'm going away for a while. My daughter was totally understanding about it. Till her father put it in her head that I was leaving her for good. He's just pissed that I'm doing something that he never did and he doesn't want to have full responsibility of the kids for a while. Being able to call me to "babysit" for him is key to his being able to control me still. I've had enough...no more control from him or from anyone else. This is MY life. I have full intention of wiring my child support payments via western union, in case you are reading this you dumb fuck. Oops, guess I went a little off course there.

Anyhow, it's late and my days have been filled with busy. I'm going to bed.

Little bit about history

2006-06-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

There's a degree of difficulty whenever someone starts a new relationship. Well actually there are several. Number one is usually dependant on the length of time one was single before the new relationship starts. Another is if the person you decide to go out with is still in love with his ex.

Take for example my ex, Bryan and his new girlfriend Christina. Bryan was so hell-bent that he and I were going to get back together that he avoided even trying to meet people for 6 months after I broke it off with him. Then I met Craig and started dating him. Bryan was still convinced for the first 3 or so months Craig and I dated, that we would get back together.

Christina was in the picture sometime around the 8 month break up mark. Christina fell in love with him and he sat there trying to convince me that Craig was not a good idea, and they we were better together. Like I'm going to believe those words coming from the mouth of the man that tried to kill me. Didn't matter to me anyways. I was in love with someone else and it was great.

Sucked for Christina though. She went through a lot trying to stay with a man that was in love with his ex. I guess it paid off for her though, they are still together and just past their one and a half years mark I think. I think she went through a shit load of emotional pain though, for at least the first year. It took a long time of him being alone before he was ready to date.

I guess that's why for this time for me, I'm not in a hurry. I don't want to meet a guy and have him fall for me and then break his heart. I'm totally not like that. Besides, I've always enjoyed having tons of time to myself and not having anyone to answer to. Then again there are ton's of lonely times too. I guess thats when it would be beneficial to have someone to fall back on and help me through it till I meet someone else. Wait a sec, rebounds are never a good idea. Someone always ends up hurt.

I wish I was more creative

2006-06-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

Just included a pic of myself and my friend Amanda so everyone sees it and knows I don't look crazy before they read what I wrote. I'm the one with pink and blonde hair. Well, it will be brown tomorrow.

Well, I can't exactly say I'm not creative. I guess I just have issues when it comes to writing. So yah, where to start...

Well I guess it goes like this...I was with Craig and I loved him,and still do, perhaps more than life itself. I guess I decided to let myself die and some evil psycho bitch took my place or something cause suddenly I was doing things that the normal strong Mandy wouldn't have done. Like texting him constantly, or changing the password to his voice mail box, or heading his new girlfriend off and telling her EXACTLY how he is. I basically thought if I was miserable he should be too. I didn't know just how miserable he was...till he cried on the phone and finally opened up to me after two and a half years of me waiting for it.

Then suddenly it was all different. He was like himself again. The wonderful person I gave my heart and soul to back then. The person that still has it. It just totally sucks because he's with her and she is actually a super cool chick and if I really wanted to I would probably date her myself. I want him to be happy with her but I want him to be happy with me as well. It'll never be both. One of us is going to lose and it's going to suck to some degree for everyone involved.

I don't know what it is about love that makes people over look things they wouldn't noramally. I guess it's kinda like being on drugs, you do things you wouldn't normally do. Except the love drug is bettter than ANY street drug you could get your hands on. The constant state of Euphoria is amazing. The state I'm still in when I think about him.

But then there is also the despair part. Right now I can see him, but he isn't mine so I can't touch him or kiss him or do any of the things I used to do with him and him alone...

And it's driving me CRAZY...

everytime I see him my heart breaks a little more. But it's getting better and easier...cause I know that he still loves me. That thought alone kills me. I know he doesn't want to hurt her and I don't want him to hurt her, but even after everything we've done to eachother I still believe that love will prevail. I always said to myself growing up I was only going to love once in my life and it was going to be bigger than anything I could possibly imagine. And it totally is.