Things that make you think...

About life. Like funerals. I went to one yesterday. My great uncle Ben died in a combine accident last Wednesday. He was amazing, always had a smile for everyone and loved farm work. His and my aunt Martha's 51st wedding anniversary was on Tuesday last week. How's that for depressing?

The entire time I was sitting there I was thinking about Craig. I always thought we were going to grow old together. I have had dreams of us sitting on our porch swing holding hands in our 80's. I don't know if he ever understood just how deeply I love him.

On a lighter note, my plans for Europe are well underway. Oh I guess I forgot to even mention that I was going there. I'm flying to London on a one way ticket and working while I'm out there. I'm not sure where I want to settle for a while but I'm thinking Germany. Maybe even Italy. Someone I know wants to come with me and they very well may do it, but I'm skeptical. I'm getting my flight booked this weekend. If they decide to come with me they need to book the same flight as me or they're on their own.

It's all going smoothly except for one thing. My ex is being a total fucking moron and feeding the kids shit about me abandoning them. Which I am NOT doing. I'm going away for a while. My daughter was totally understanding about it. Till her father put it in her head that I was leaving her for good. He's just pissed that I'm doing something that he never did and he doesn't want to have full responsibility of the kids for a while. Being able to call me to "babysit" for him is key to his being able to control me still. I've had enough...no more control from him or from anyone else. This is MY life. I have full intention of wiring my child support payments via western union, in case you are reading this you dumb fuck. Oops, guess I went a little off course there.

Anyhow, it's late and my days have been filled with busy. I'm going to bed.

Little bit about history

There's a degree of difficulty whenever someone starts a new relationship. Well actually there are several. Number one is usually dependant on the length of time one was single before the new relationship starts. Another is if the person you decide to go out with is still in love with his ex.

Take for example my ex, Bryan and his new girlfriend Christina. Bryan was so hell-bent that he and I were going to get back together that he avoided even trying to meet people for 6 months after I broke it off with him. Then I met Craig and started dating him. Bryan was still convinced for the first 3 or so months Craig and I dated, that we would get back together.

Christina was in the picture sometime around the 8 month break up mark. Christina fell in love with him and he sat there trying to convince me that Craig was not a good idea, and they we were better together. Like I'm going to believe those words coming from the mouth of the man that tried to kill me. Didn't matter to me anyways. I was in love with someone else and it was great.

Sucked for Christina though. She went through a lot trying to stay with a man that was in love with his ex. I guess it paid off for her though, they are still together and just past their one and a half years mark I think. I think she went through a shit load of emotional pain though, for at least the first year. It took a long time of him being alone before he was ready to date.

I guess that's why for this time for me, I'm not in a hurry. I don't want to meet a guy and have him fall for me and then break his heart. I'm totally not like that. Besides, I've always enjoyed having tons of time to myself and not having anyone to answer to. Then again there are ton's of lonely times too. I guess thats when it would be beneficial to have someone to fall back on and help me through it till I meet someone else. Wait a sec, rebounds are never a good idea. Someone always ends up hurt.

I wish I was more creative

Just included a pic of myself and my friend Amanda so everyone sees it and knows I don't look crazy before they read what I wrote. I'm the one with pink and blonde hair. Well, it will be brown tomorrow.











Well, I can't exactly say I'm not creative. I guess I just have issues when it comes to writing. So yah, where to start...

Well I guess it goes like this...I was with Craig and I loved him,and still do, perhaps more than life itself. I guess I decided to let myself die and some evil psycho bitch took my place or something cause suddenly I was doing things that the normal strong Mandy wouldn't have done. Like texting him constantly, or changing the password to his voice mail box, or heading his new girlfriend off and telling her EXACTLY how he is. I basically thought if I was miserable he should be too. I didn't know just how miserable he was...till he cried on the phone and finally opened up to me after two and a half years of me waiting for it.

Then suddenly it was all different. He was like himself again. The wonderful person I gave my heart and soul to back then. The person that still has it. It just totally sucks because he's with her and she is actually a super cool chick and if I really wanted to I would probably date her myself. I want him to be happy with her but I want him to be happy with me as well. It'll never be both. One of us is going to lose and it's going to suck to some degree for everyone involved.

I don't know what it is about love that makes people over look things they wouldn't noramally. I guess it's kinda like being on drugs, you do things you wouldn't normally do. Except the love drug is bettter than ANY street drug you could get your hands on. The constant state of Euphoria is amazing. The state I'm still in when I think about him.

But then there is also the despair part. Right now I can see him, but he isn't mine so I can't touch him or kiss him or do any of the things I used to do with him and him alone...

And it's driving me CRAZY...

everytime I see him my heart breaks a little more. But it's getting better and easier...cause I know that he still loves me. That thought alone kills me. I know he doesn't want to hurt her and I don't want him to hurt her, but even after everything we've done to eachother I still believe that love will prevail. I always said to myself growing up I was only going to love once in my life and it was going to be bigger than anything I could possibly imagine. And it totally is.