I suck

Today I quit school. I am not happy with myself right now.

I only quit till September. Summer courses are really tough. I can probably take them next summer after I get used to regular classes again.

On a lighter note, I am going to BC with Kira in a month. I need to get out of here. This whole thing with Craig has me really crazy and sad and I just don't know how to deal with it. I think I might look for a job in Vancouver and see if I should just stay there.

Sometimes I totally know what i want to do with myself. The other 90% of the time I'm lost. I guess I'll just see what happens.

Why am I here?

That is the question that has been plaguing my very existence all week. When it comes to school that is. I've been out so long and I'm fairly rusty. I was hoping for amazing marks. Now I'm just hoping for a pass.

I'm sure I'll be fine. I'm just a bit overwhelmed. On the plus side I've cut down on the amount of shifts I have at work. I need the money, but I need my sanity more.

Anyhow, this was really just a brief update to let people know I'm still alive.

Tomorrow is the day my life will change...

And hopefully for the better. First day of school. First day of school in four years.

Fuck am I scared....

But I'm ready. I KNOW that I'll be amazing. Because I know I'm really smart and I deserve this. I deserve to make a better life for myself.

That said tomorrow is a four hour anatomy lecture. That's going to suck. I guess that's what happens though, when you decide to do summer session. This course would normally be 3 hours a week over the course of four months. I've chosen to do it over the course of three and a half weeks. Two hours a day...plus a two hour lab every second day. On top of that, I work full time. Go me...

Oh yeah, and I decided I didn't want to have black hair anymore so I went blonde. Took eight hours in my hairdressers, but we succeeded. And it looks pretty cute, cause i got it cut at the same time.

Well, I'm off to bed... Everyone wish me luck for tomorrow.

Confused and Elated

So Nick and I have been out three times...and no kiss. No anything actually. And I am really frustrated. And excited. And everything in between.

I didn't really want the night to end. But we'd both been up since really early. Now I'm too excited to sleep.

I'm pretty sure he likes me too. And I totally put myself out there. On more than one occasion. But he didn't take the bait. So then I get confused. And I hope he thinks it's cute, because if he doesn't then I'll feel dumb and I HATE feeling dumb.

I don't want to rush it, because I have a feeling this could potentialy be something amazing. As much as I hate to admit it, could be greater than anything I could have imagined. Maybe that's why he always made me so nervous, and still does. Like school girl nervous. It's completly weird. I was never like that when I was a school girl.

I'm kinda hoping when he calls tomorrow, because he calls everyday, that he's in the city with nothing to do before I go to work. Because I really want to see him tomorrow, and the next day, and maybe the day after that.

Craig actually called me tonight. And I didn't pick up the phone. Nor did I answer his text messages. I just don't think I have it in me to live the "military life". With him gone all the time. And the possibility of having to move for his job. As much as I love him... I need him to be here, and he's not prepared to do that. And he shouldn't have to give up his dreams for me. I don't expect him to. I guess we'll have to see what happens.